Blubber

Today I blubbed.

On Joel's nursery staff :(

It's the first day he's had to go to nursery since I've been back at work.  Yesterday and Tuesday he was at my parents and he did cry a little on being dropped off but had a happy day with them and cheered up before I got to work.

Today we walked along with Izzy and dropped her off there for the day and on ringing the door bell Joel began to cry!  Once we got going again he stopped and began chatting, until we crossed the road to nursery and set off down the path.  Then he began again.  Big tears were rolling down his cheeks and I got a huge lump in my throat.

How could I leave him at nursery to go to work whilst he's so unhappy?!

He didn't sleep well last night.  He didn't eat anything yesterday and refused all milk.  He had a couple of horrid nappies which I'm putting down to teething.  He was very clingy and didn't want to play, just to cuddle me and suck his thumb.

I guess he's aware this week is different somehow and that I'm further away from him than I've ever been.  Last week I could get him if he was ill or unhappy.  This week I can't.  I feel rather trapped behind a desk.  Work is crazy quiet being the Easter hols, there's no staff in or students so I've not got a great deal to do except feel awful I'm not with Joel to make him feel better.

So we walked to the nursery and he began to cry again.  We hung up his coat and bag and got his little book out to pass over.  We walked into the baby room and he saw his little friends and toys and his eyes did light up but that wasn't enough to compensate for the fact I was leaving him again, for the third day running.

He cried, tears dropped and I began to cry too.  One of the nursery ladies came to take him from me and I apologised and left.  I could hear him coughing which he does when he cries too much and chokes.  I cried walking up the hill to my office and didn't want anyone to talk to me for fear they'd get a sobbing wreck on their hands.

I rang the nursery 10 minutes later from my desk and was told he had flung blankie aside, was playing with a Noah's Ark and heading towards the breakfast table.  He was fine.  I just wish I could leave him happy and see him excited to go but I guess that's a little way in the future.  They've rung me since as well to say he's still happy which is nice of them.

Working full time sucks and I can't wait to apply for part time again.  I've not enjoyed this week at all.